Thursday, June 23, 2005: I was SO depressed all day today due to last night's events. And I slept on my left shoulder wrong, I guess, last night so my left shoulder blade was killing me all day. Pain doesn't help emotional depresssion. But I did do something positive. I checked into adding him to my insurance, since his insurance doesn't cover rehab and mine would. As it turns out, he is way overpaying for poor insurance and for $20 a month more than current payments on his part, I can add him to my insurance. So that will be done. But it can't be done until November, when there is "open enrollment," so we have to wait that long. Then there will probably be some kind of waiting period before something like that goes into effect, so we're looking at maybe February 2006 for rehab. Better than not at all. Also, I finally did something right at work that pleased one boss, who is usually so critical of me ("good catch" when I found something that needed substantively to be added to a letter going out), so that helped my mood a little. I still dreaded coming home. But when I arrived, I found a totally cleaned up garage! Not only was the shelf re-installed, but the entire garage was cleaned up. This is like the major project for a weekend, and it was wonderfully done. I complimented him on it because I certainly wanted him to know I appreciated it. But let's not get too hopeful here: This is the usual pattern of doing something really nice after a disastrous previous evening by way of apology. Then the cycle starts all over again. I am ever the optimist that thinks "this time" it will work. He is the only one who can stop his drinking, and this is the usual "chagrin" stage. I've seen it hundreds of times. Whether it holds this time or not I have no idea. I always hope it will. But the insurance will change in November -- a good idea regardless -- and there is always that fall-back position if we're right back in the same pattern in six to nine months. If he pulls another stunt like last night after insurance is in effect, the next day he will be apologetic enough to check himself in for 30 days. I just wonder if he's thinking now, "Well, I'll have to do rehab next February -- might as well enjoy the drinking now." Granted, he is probably not thinking that today, but he might be by tomorrow or the next day. That's the usual SOP. I was pleased that I was able to copy a DVD I rented from Blockbuster that I didn't have time to watch and I need to return it tomorrow. I've never used the DVD X Copy program I bought "just in case" -- never had a DVD I wanted to copy -- but since the movie I rented was in this format and I do want to see the movie but I need to return it tomorrow, I copied it onto DVD and tested it in a DVD player, and it seems to work. So I can return it and save it for watching later. Going to go put a heating pad on my sore shoulder blade and watch Ti-Vo'ed "Rescue Me" from Tuesday night.

Wednesday, June 22: Well, that worked well . . . . . The theory was that he was supposed to stop drinking. We basically knew that wouldn't work completely, so, shoot me, I agreed that he could have a couple of beers a night, which I thought would be better than 10 straight vodkas on the rocks. That was seeming to work -- for a day. The second day, he seemed to be pretty smashed for having only two beers. Tonight, the third day, he got totally blotto-stinko drunk. He did not do that on two beers only. He obviously has a bottle hidden somewhere and is drinking from it when I am not looking and I see only the two beers. I filmed him tonight, lying, all but passed out, on the driveway -- after he must have staggered downstairs and on the way, fell against a shelf in the garage and pulled it down -- and then filmed him with videocamera when he sat up and seemed to enjoy verbally abusing me for "making an asshole" out of him. He obviously knew he was doing that all by himself. I wonder if he will even look at the videotape I can show him tomorrow. Of course, he claimed that what was "upsetting" him was the impending death of his aunt, his mother's twin sister, who is very ill. But in the last eight months we have been through several "on death's door" episodes, each of which earned another drunk night "excuse" -- and no one died. Though this current "crisis" may or may not result in this elderly lady's death, the potential still is used as a reason for getting falling down drunk. And the pattern continues. I find no solace in Al-Anon. I don't believe in the "higher power" and find myself annoyed and/or bored with a meeting where lines are read from notebooks consecutively. I do not see where that leads me to the strength to deal with living with a drunk every night. I tend to want to prefer the "confessions" that AA supposedly has when members stand up and admit , "Hi, my name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic." Where is the "confession"/statement at Al-Anon where one stands up and says, "Hi, my name is Susan and I love an alcoholic." And then we get THAT "life story" (or evening episode) of what living with an alcoholic is like. I need the mutual exchange of horror stories, not rote-reading of 12 steps for strength. I have tried two meetings of Al-Anon and was more annoyed than benefitted by the meeting. The entire meeting is filled up with reading words someone else has written and all these people just recite them. There is no comfort for me in that. I'm thinking, "So? . . . . ." Perhaps an atheist can't benefit from Al-Anon. And I think, from what I have read, I am an "enabler." I continue to clean up after him, figuratively and literally. I should just let him sleep on a hard concrete driveway? Is it not acceptable to go outside and say, "You think you might want to come inside to sleep?" According to Al-Anon, I'm supposed to leave him out there, not even acknowleding he is lying out there. But it's my house, too, that would be compromised is he sleeps out there and someone walks past him and into an unlocked house. I wonder what will happen tomorrow if I don't say anything. Probably nothing. He won't say anything about his condition this evening. Does it make me more of an "enabler" to make him watch the videotape of him outside on the driveway drunk? I don't know. But I'l tell you this: I'm not driving to the funeral with him, if his aunt dies. I feel I don't owe him any comfort under the circumstances.

Pink Snowflake Cissette 

new Cissettes 

At the TPC Course in Scottsdale, AZ.