12/28/05, 8 p.m. I got home to find Larry lying on the sofa, supposedly suffering from "flu" symptoms. Oh, yes, he's soooooooooo sick. When I think back on this, it seems to be a fairly frequent condition on his first day off after a week at work. He really HAS worked so hard for six-seven days -- but then that last night when he knows he's off the next day, he ties one on -- as I heard the expression today "to' up from the flo' up" (torn up from the floor up) -- so he needs to recover the next day from his overindulgence from the previous evening. So he has the excuse of being "sick" so nothing gets accomplished on his day off and he supposedly engenders sympathy in spite of his reprehensible behavior the night before. So, I think, in his mind, he is always excused from misbehavior because he's "sick." HOW MANY alcoholics use that? How many co-dependent spouses COVER for their spouses with that excuse? And when I suggested this evening that his "flu" symptoms might simply be a hangover from his condition the previous evening, he then denies being in any "condition," at which time I offer to show him a video of himself from the previous evening, and then he goes into attack mode of "you'll do anything to embarrass me," to which I retort, "I don't need to embarrass you -- you can do it all by yourself. And if you weren't doing anything wrong, why would a video embarrass you?" No answer to that, of course. Why do I bother to argue with a drunk? AM I the enabler, according to AA rules?

It's been a rough few months -- many things going on. The good? We refinanced the house for a better rate and got enough money out of it to put hardwood flooring down in the living room and dining room. The bad? Larry got the dining room finished and was starting on the living room (about a four-foot swatch done) when he got drunk one night and fell down, landing with his ribcage against a corner of a stereo speaker -- and broke two ribs. So no installing hardwood floor for a couple of months. That fall happened right after Thanksgiving. So for the last several months, he has been repeating the pattern of straightening up for a week or so then gradually increasing the alcohol intake until he's falling down drunk again almost every night. I particularly dread coming home from work on his days off because I know he'll be drunk by 7:30 p.m. The broken ribs were so painful that I thought it would get his attention to his drinking problem, but apparently it has not because TWICE since then he has fallen down and cut his face (nose and cheek one time, forehead another). And last night he was in the same condition again; however, I was unable to determine whether he was drunk or just stoned on percocet -- whatever, he can't seem to stay "clean and sober" -- if not the alcohol, then the pain medicine. Thank goodness he is now on my insurance, because I have behavioral health coverage. We have an appointment with a psychologist scheduled for January 4. I just need to stay calm until then, to see what that might produce. I'm ready to have him committed to Anchor Hospital for 7-28 days for a complete drying out period; however, from what I've been reading on the 'net, there is a very distinct possibility that he could start drinking again as soon as he gets out. I'm very depressed and worried. I had my surgery October 5. I had to quit smoking for two weeks before and two weeks after, and I did that. I asked Larry to quit with me, because we both really need to quit smoking. He made virtually no effort to do so. Oh, he would go outside to smoke -- but only as long as the weather was nice. The weather had turned cold before my two weeks after surgery, so he was no longer going outside to smoke, and now I'm back smoking as much as ever. That doesn't really concern me -- his smoking -- as much as the drinking. My surgery was successful, and for the first time since the surgery, I was able to play golf last weekend. I played both Fri. and Sat. before Christmas. My short game sucked, but my driving was significantly better, longer. I don't know if that is due to my body shape change or just not having played golf for two months. I hope the weather is good this weekend so I can play again and see if the driving improvement was just a fluke. I spent most of my recovery-from-surgery time in November trying to make a bias-cut satin dress to wear to my office Christmas party this year. With my new "figure," I wanted to wear something I never could have worn before. The dress was very difficult for me to get done -- I simply could not get it to fit right. I think I probably made four versions of it -- fortunately the fabric was cheap ($2.99/yard for beautiful gold satin charmeuse). I ended up starting it ALL OVER AGAIN the morning of the Saturday when the party was that night. I got it done and it looked pretty good, but I wasn't completely satisfied with it, but I'd run out of time. The rather fun thing, though, was getting the full-length fox fur coat to go with it. I found that for a killer deal on eBay and Larry "authorized" the purchase as an anniversary (Dec. 4) present to me. The coat is fantastically beautiful!! And it is SO warm! I do love it. But to backtrack a little, just before Thanksgiving, Larry's mother's twin sister died and we had to go to Florida for her funeral. I did NOT want to drive 11 or so hours a day for two days out of the four-day holiday weekend. I finally convinced Larry to fly and we were able to get short-notice decent airfare. But it sure cut into my sewing time to be working on the dress, which I had planned to do for T'giving weekend after going to Chatta. to visit with Mother and Dad for T'giving day itself. But then I did go to Chatta. the following Sunday, had a nice visit -- and got in a minor wreck -- not my fault! A car pulled out in front of me, and I had to make the split-second decision to hit that car or run off the road and hit a speed limit sign. I hit the sign. Fortunately, the other car stopped and admitted blame, so their insurance repaired my car -- relatively minor damage, considering. I hit the sign exactly right -- just where there was a metal strut under my bumper, so that took the brunt of the hit; so other than the bumper, there was no other body damage. Whew! In about the middle of October, Danny, Larry's boss, called me from the restaurant and told me to come get Larry or he was calling an ambulance. Both of them thought Larry might be having a stroke. So we spent the next eight hours in the emergency room. It seems that Larry has a serious sodium and potassium deficiency, which can very negatively affect his health. He was given IV fluids and released with instructions to get more sodium in his system. He drinks a lot of V8 juice and sports drinks now (in addition to the beer, etc.). We didn't put up a Christmas tree this year because of the disarray in the living room -- carpet half torn up and hardwood flooring planks stacked all around. I found that added to my depression. It's bad enough, this time of year, sitting around the fireplace with Larry drunk, but it's particularly sad, to me, without the Christmas tree to provide some cheer. Though a blazing fire is nice. This is it for today. More later tonight, depending on what I find when I get home.