12/28/05, 8 p.m. I got home to find Larry lying on the sofa, supposedly suffering from "flu" symptoms. Oh, yes, he's soooooooooo sick. When I think back on this, it seems to be a fairly frequent condition on his first day off after a week at work. He really HAS worked so hard for six-seven days -- but then that last night when he knows he's off the next day, he ties one on -- as I heard the expression today "to' up from the flo' up" (torn up from the floor up) -- so he needs to recover the next day from his overindulgence from the previous evening. So he has the excuse of being "sick" so nothing gets accomplished on his day off and he supposedly engenders sympathy in spite of his reprehensible behavior the night before. So, I think, in his mind, he is always excused from misbehavior because he's "sick." HOW MANY alcoholics use that? How many co-dependent spouses COVER for their spouses with that excuse? And when I suggested this evening that his "flu" symptoms might simply be a hangover from his condition the previous evening, he then denies being in any "condition," at which time I offer to show him a video of himself from the previous evening, and then he goes into attack mode of "you'll do anything to embarrass me," to which I retort, "I don't need to embarrass you -- you can do it all by yourself. And if you weren't doing anything wrong, why would a video embarrass you?" No answer to that, of course. Why do I bother to argue with a drunk? AM I the enabler, according to AA rules?

It's been a rough few months -- many things going on. The good? We refinanced the house for a better rate and got enough money out of it to put hardwood flooring down in the living room and dining room. The bad? Larry got the dining room finished and was starting on the living room (about a four-foot swatch done) when he got drunk one night and fell down, landing with his ribcage against a corner of a stereo speaker -- and broke two ribs. So no installing hardwood floor for a couple of months. That fall happened right after Thanksgiving. So for the last several months, he has been repeating the pattern of straightening up for a week or so then gradually increasing the alcohol intake until he's falling down drunk again almost every night. I particularly dread coming home from work on his days off because I know he'll be drunk by 7:30 p.m. The broken ribs were so painful that I thought it would get his attention to his drinking problem, but apparently it has not because TWICE since then he has fallen down and cut his face (nose and cheek one time, forehead another). And last night he was in the same condition again; however, I was unable to determine whether he was drunk or just stoned on percocet -- whatever, he can't seem to stay "clean and sober" -- if not the alcohol, then the pain medicine. Thank goodness he is now on my insurance, because I have behavioral health coverage. We have an appointment with a psychologist scheduled for January 4. I just need to stay calm until then, to see what that might produce. I'm ready to have him committed to Anchor Hospital for 7-28 days for a complete drying out period; however, from what I've been reading on the 'net, there is a very distinct possibility that he could start drinking again as soon as he gets out. I'm very depressed and worried. I had my surgery October 5. I had to quit smoking for two weeks before and two weeks after, and I did that. I asked Larry to quit with me, because we both really need to quit smoking. He made virtually no effort to do so. Oh, he would go outside to smoke -- but only as long as the weather was nice. The weather had turned cold before my two weeks after surgery, so he was no longer going outside to smoke, and now I'm back smoking as much as ever. That doesn't really concern me -- his smoking -- as much as the drinking. My surgery was successful, and for the first time since the surgery, I was able to play golf last weekend. I played both Fri. and Sat. before Christmas. My short game sucked, but my driving was significantly better, longer. I don't know if that is due to my body shape change or just not having played golf for two months. I hope the weather is good this weekend so I can play again and see if the driving improvement was just a fluke. I spent most of my recovery-from-surgery time in November trying to make a bias-cut satin dress to wear to my office Christmas party this year. With my new "figure," I wanted to wear something I never could have worn before. The dress was very difficult for me to get done -- I simply could not get it to fit right. I think I probably made four versions of it -- fortunately the fabric was cheap ($2.99/yard for beautiful gold satin charmeuse). I ended up starting it ALL OVER AGAIN the morning of the Saturday when the party was that night. I got it done and it looked pretty good, but I wasn't completely satisfied with it, but I'd run out of time. The rather fun thing, though, was getting the full-length fox fur coat to go with it. I found that for a killer deal on eBay and Larry "authorized" the purchase as an anniversary (Dec. 4) present to me. The coat is fantastically beautiful!! And it is SO warm! I do love it. But to backtrack a little, just before Thanksgiving, Larry's mother's twin sister died and we had to go to Florida for her funeral. I did NOT want to drive 11 or so hours a day for two days out of the four-day holiday weekend. I finally convinced Larry to fly and we were able to get short-notice decent airfare. But it sure cut into my sewing time to be working on the dress, which I had planned to do for T'giving weekend after going to Chatta. to visit with Mother and Dad for T'giving day itself. But then I did go to Chatta. the following Sunday, had a nice visit -- and got in a minor wreck -- not my fault! A car pulled out in front of me, and I had to make the split-second decision to hit that car or run off the road and hit a speed limit sign. I hit the sign. Fortunately, the other car stopped and admitted blame, so their insurance repaired my car -- relatively minor damage, considering. I hit the sign exactly right -- just where there was a metal strut under my bumper, so that took the brunt of the hit; so other than the bumper, there was no other body damage. Whew! In about the middle of October, Danny, Larry's boss, called me from the restaurant and told me to come get Larry or he was calling an ambulance. Both of them thought Larry might be having a stroke. So we spent the next eight hours in the emergency room. It seems that Larry has a serious sodium and potassium deficiency, which can very negatively affect his health. He was given IV fluids and released with instructions to get more sodium in his system. He drinks a lot of V8 juice and sports drinks now (in addition to the beer, etc.). We didn't put up a Christmas tree this year because of the disarray in the living room -- carpet half torn up and hardwood flooring planks stacked all around. I found that added to my depression. It's bad enough, this time of year, sitting around the fireplace with Larry drunk, but it's particularly sad, to me, without the Christmas tree to provide some cheer. Though a blazing fire is nice. This is it for today. More later tonight, depending on what I find when I get home.

Thursday, June 23, 2005: I was SO depressed all day today due to last night's events. And I slept on my left shoulder wrong, I guess, last night so my left shoulder blade was killing me all day. Pain doesn't help emotional depresssion. But I did do something positive. I checked into adding him to my insurance, since his insurance doesn't cover rehab and mine would. As it turns out, he is way overpaying for poor insurance and for $20 a month more than current payments on his part, I can add him to my insurance. So that will be done. But it can't be done until November, when there is "open enrollment," so we have to wait that long. Then there will probably be some kind of waiting period before something like that goes into effect, so we're looking at maybe February 2006 for rehab. Better than not at all. Also, I finally did something right at work that pleased one boss, who is usually so critical of me ("good catch" when I found something that needed substantively to be added to a letter going out), so that helped my mood a little. I still dreaded coming home. But when I arrived, I found a totally cleaned up garage! Not only was the shelf re-installed, but the entire garage was cleaned up. This is like the major project for a weekend, and it was wonderfully done. I complimented him on it because I certainly wanted him to know I appreciated it. But let's not get too hopeful here: This is the usual pattern of doing something really nice after a disastrous previous evening by way of apology. Then the cycle starts all over again. I am ever the optimist that thinks "this time" it will work. He is the only one who can stop his drinking, and this is the usual "chagrin" stage. I've seen it hundreds of times. Whether it holds this time or not I have no idea. I always hope it will. But the insurance will change in November -- a good idea regardless -- and there is always that fall-back position if we're right back in the same pattern in six to nine months. If he pulls another stunt like last night after insurance is in effect, the next day he will be apologetic enough to check himself in for 30 days. I just wonder if he's thinking now, "Well, I'll have to do rehab next February -- might as well enjoy the drinking now." Granted, he is probably not thinking that today, but he might be by tomorrow or the next day. That's the usual SOP. I was pleased that I was able to copy a DVD I rented from Blockbuster that I didn't have time to watch and I need to return it tomorrow. I've never used the DVD X Copy program I bought "just in case" -- never had a DVD I wanted to copy -- but since the movie I rented was in this format and I do want to see the movie but I need to return it tomorrow, I copied it onto DVD and tested it in a DVD player, and it seems to work. So I can return it and save it for watching later. Going to go put a heating pad on my sore shoulder blade and watch Ti-Vo'ed "Rescue Me" from Tuesday night.

Wednesday, June 22: Well, that worked well . . . . . The theory was that he was supposed to stop drinking. We basically knew that wouldn't work completely, so, shoot me, I agreed that he could have a couple of beers a night, which I thought would be better than 10 straight vodkas on the rocks. That was seeming to work -- for a day. The second day, he seemed to be pretty smashed for having only two beers. Tonight, the third day, he got totally blotto-stinko drunk. He did not do that on two beers only. He obviously has a bottle hidden somewhere and is drinking from it when I am not looking and I see only the two beers. I filmed him tonight, lying, all but passed out, on the driveway -- after he must have staggered downstairs and on the way, fell against a shelf in the garage and pulled it down -- and then filmed him with videocamera when he sat up and seemed to enjoy verbally abusing me for "making an asshole" out of him. He obviously knew he was doing that all by himself. I wonder if he will even look at the videotape I can show him tomorrow. Of course, he claimed that what was "upsetting" him was the impending death of his aunt, his mother's twin sister, who is very ill. But in the last eight months we have been through several "on death's door" episodes, each of which earned another drunk night "excuse" -- and no one died. Though this current "crisis" may or may not result in this elderly lady's death, the potential still is used as a reason for getting falling down drunk. And the pattern continues. I find no solace in Al-Anon. I don't believe in the "higher power" and find myself annoyed and/or bored with a meeting where lines are read from notebooks consecutively. I do not see where that leads me to the strength to deal with living with a drunk every night. I tend to want to prefer the "confessions" that AA supposedly has when members stand up and admit , "Hi, my name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic." Where is the "confession"/statement at Al-Anon where one stands up and says, "Hi, my name is Susan and I love an alcoholic." And then we get THAT "life story" (or evening episode) of what living with an alcoholic is like. I need the mutual exchange of horror stories, not rote-reading of 12 steps for strength. I have tried two meetings of Al-Anon and was more annoyed than benefitted by the meeting. The entire meeting is filled up with reading words someone else has written and all these people just recite them. There is no comfort for me in that. I'm thinking, "So? . . . . ." Perhaps an atheist can't benefit from Al-Anon. And I think, from what I have read, I am an "enabler." I continue to clean up after him, figuratively and literally. I should just let him sleep on a hard concrete driveway? Is it not acceptable to go outside and say, "You think you might want to come inside to sleep?" According to Al-Anon, I'm supposed to leave him out there, not even acknowleding he is lying out there. But it's my house, too, that would be compromised is he sleeps out there and someone walks past him and into an unlocked house. I wonder what will happen tomorrow if I don't say anything. Probably nothing. He won't say anything about his condition this evening. Does it make me more of an "enabler" to make him watch the videotape of him outside on the driveway drunk? I don't know. But I'l tell you this: I'm not driving to the funeral with him, if his aunt dies. I feel I don't owe him any comfort under the circumstances.

Pink Snowflake Cissette 

new Cissettes 

At the TPC Course in Scottsdale, AZ.

August 23, 2002: I have just found out about this. I'm wondering if I can use it to post pictures -- specifically of our cats, Larry's orchids, my doll creations and acquisitions, our home improvement project. Stay tuned until I figure this out. For example, maybe: